Thursday, January 22, 2009

Thanks Everyone

This is from some guy named Jim Bob:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. Nor can I sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule away from being plastic.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr.
Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a men's cologne sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I won't shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a mugger waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse or imported funnel-web spider and my hand will fall off.

Lastly, if you don't send this post to at least 14,000 people in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels will jump off, infesting your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day.... Oh, by the way.... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail or forum posts with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


diane said...

Good post. Those e-mails freak me out.

Thank you for feeding my boy the other night. That was so thoughtful and generous of you. Too bad there is no photo documentation. It is wonderful that there are kind people like you in Idaho to look after the missionaries.

honeysuckle said...

Isn't it the truth. We could become very paranoid if we absorbed everything we receive via e-mail. Good post. Thanks for visiting and commenting on mine:) You sound like a woman I'd enjoy meeting. p.s.--I adore Sally!

davers said...

I love the part about "if you don't send this post to at least 14,000 people in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will and on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleast from 1,000 camels will jump off, infesting your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump."

It's true. I got that email, didn't forward it on, and that's exactly what happened to me.